Kev & A #8: Who Watches the Weight Watchers?

Define PANTS…?

Welcome back to another edition of Kev & A. If you have a question or need some advice, reach out at ElectricDraculaInquiries@gmail.com

It’s been (Barenaked Ladies voice) a little bit since I’ve gotten a chance to go through the archives of Kev & A questions, and since I wanted to get at least one more of these in before the end of the year and go back to napping next to a tub of buffalo chicken dip, I wanted to chose one that encapsulated 2020 for most of us.

With that in mind, I chose to answer this question that in no way makes me reflect on my failures from Ryan, who wrote:

“COVID: Some people are getting fit, most people are getting fat. Should I be creeped out by people who stay the same weight throughout the pandemic?”

I’m going to start this off by making it about myself real quick, which is what I do, and firmly plant myself in the getting fatter column. I can confidently say that I am in the roundest shape of my life. However, recognizing this does NOT get me any sympathy points from my own brain either, even though I know if I lost all the weight I wanted to, I would have a bizarrely tiny head.

All it gets me is a few pair of pants in a bigger size. I’m hoping this is just a temporary thing and I will be able to go back to my old pants instead of my ass expansion continuing.

But to draw attention away from myself and how nice I like in my new jeans, but also how much I am sweating more while walking to my car, should we look at these dividing lines?

Everything now is about which side you are on these days. More so than I have ever been cognizant of. We are now divided so politically that it looks like we are reigniting the Crips and Bloods feud on a national level. I bet I could ask someone older than me if it was like this at any point during their life, but I don’t trust them because they are hoarding all of the wealth in the country and they will just tell me I am being lazy by asking questions instead of bringing their car around.

That being said, I am in no way upset with people who are losing weight right now. Good for them. I wish I had that discipline. I can’t even get myself to watch all of the YouTube I plan on watching in a day without falling off track. So I fully admire anyone who has decided to take this time to get themselves into a healthy place.

But let’s not confuse that with the people who say they are defying state guidelines at their gyms as an act of defiant patriotism. I’m getting really nice muscles in my arms from all of the jerk off motions I’m making in your direction. The restrictions aren’t put in place to infringe upon the rights god gave you as an American. They are put in place to keep people healthy until we can get this whole thing sorted.

And we have a vaccine now. Shit…like three of them. We just need the government to pull their shit together to get them rolled out. I’m ready to drop a vial of all three into a Guinness and gulp it down in one shot so it doesn’t curdle and so I don’t realize too quickly that there are easier and less “puking in an alley” ways of getting it in my system.

So hopefully all of that will help everyone looking to get in shape, but not comfortable enough to go to a gym, get a clearer timeline as to when they will have to start stretching and not pull a hammy on the way to the OTHER couch.

But those people that have just been hanging out at home, eating whatever they want and coming out the same weight as when we all went into quarantine?

No, I don’t trust them. They need to choose a side. Are you going to get into shape or are you gonna be a thicc boi like me? Don’t be weight loss agnostic. It’s fucking rude.

Is it your fault that you are genetically superior to the rest of us? No. But I sure don’t need a reminder of it just by recognizing you without any effort when I see you in person again.

In any other time of my life, I would probably advocate for starting some conspiracy theory about these people, but…uh…we are all full up on that shit. We got lots. That type of thing isn’t even funny anymore. And that’s sad.

But look, it’s all fucking arbitrary as far as the year is concerned anyway. Thursday isn’t going to be any different than Friday just because you have to turn the page on your calendar. The only thing we should count on being different for Friday is how hungover we are all going to be. But it doesn’t mean that we can’t use it as an excuse to get our heads on straight and look toward the future.

Things are changing, hopefully all for the better. It will take time and won’t happen at the stroke of midnight. But we are seeing the elements start to lineup. Let’s stay focused on that. Just pop on The Mountain Goats’ “This Year” on repeat like most of us have all year and buy a new journal or something.

And if when everyone is all vaccinated and it is safe to see our friends and give them hugs, if one of your them fits in your arms the same way they did when you last saw them because they haven’t lost or gained any weight, beat the ever living fuck out of them because there is no way that they could possibly take your new approach to a better life seriously.

Plus, they all eat babies in the basement of pizza places that only make flatbreads flatter than the Earth.

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