Kev & A #4 – (Not So) Blank Check

Welcome back to another edition of Kev & A. If you have a question or need some advice, reach out at ElectricDraculaInquiries@gmail.com

Today’s question actually came to me from a few people in various formats, so I am putting it here in the simplest, most condensed version:

“What’s the weirdest thing you’ve bought during quarantine?”

This is the second time in my life that I have been sent a stimulus check from the government and been told to help the economy. And while I don’t like to be told what to do with my money, boredom is going to inevitably set in, and often buying myself something will hit just the right amount of buttons in my brain to make me feel human again for longer than 5 seconds at a time. The problem is that I don’t like buying big things. Well, I do…but how often do I have the money to make it happen? And even when presented with it, I want to make sure I keep that money set aside in case disaster strikes. Which it has.

I actually asked this question on Twitter after it was asked of me. I got some funny responses, most of which were less “weird” as they were atypical. Cartoonist Chris Schweizer told me that he didn’t BUY anything weird, but was building himself a suit of armor. If you know know Chris, this isn’t all that weird. But not something he would typically have the time for.

The best answer about buying something weird I got was from a college friend who told me he bought an inflatable hot tub. Then he immediately felt the need to explain. I assured him, he didn’t have to. It was pretty much the perfect answer.

Personally, I did buy some small, weird stuff, but it is only weird to me. For example: a pair of jeans. I haven’t bought a pair of jeans in…holy shit. I don’t know how long. This itself may need some explanation about me.

I am a creature of habit. I like what I like and I stick to it. I have been buying pretty much only Dickies work pants in the same 3 colors over and over since I’ve been in college. I like a nice, plain, black t-shirt. I’ve changed brands as t-shirts have gotten entirely too soft for my tastes and changed my mind about whether I want pockets on them or not. Once I have decided on the specifics of the black t-shirt, I buy like 20 of them. I pretty much have a uniform. Frankly, it’s embarrassing. But I never really feel like taking the time to figure out what else I want. Nor do I want to spend money on something that I won’t like a few weeks from now.

But I have been trying to get better. I bought a new denim jacket so I can mostly have somewhere to put those enamel pins I spent too much goddamn money on. Because I bought that denim jacket, I keep getting emails from Levi letting me know about shit that I will never buy. With more time than usual to actually look at these emails, I saw a pair of jeans I liked on sale. Yo…I had no idea how expensive fucking jeans were. It’s insane. But with a hilarious discount and free shipping involved, I said fuck it and gave it a shot. I am pleased to report they fit. I still feel like I look weird wearing them. Please don’t make fun of me.

I bought a few other small things that I am sad to admit was the result of targeted ads on Instagram. First: I bought new notebooks. Do I have a drawer full of blank notebooks that I have been planning on using for years, but instead turned to the notes app and google docs on my phone? Yes. But…I NEEDED THEM!

Funny enough, I made fun of myself for doing this on Twitter and was gifted even more nice, blank notebooks by the extremely generous and kind Erica Schultz. I have enough pocket-sized blank notebooks to last me a lifetime. Something that would be very useful if I ever left the apartment again. The only problem with carrying a notebook with me in my pocket is how they will get fucked up the second I sit down. Well…Instagram thought of a solution for me. They showed me that a handmade, leather holder for the exact size of notebooks I just bought/inherited.

FUCK!

Handmade leather shit ain’t cheap and I AM! So I did what any adult who just received a $1200 check from the government would do. I texted the link to my girlfriend and asked to have her arrange someone buy it for me for my birthday. It will be the perfect thing to try and find room in the pockets of my new dungarees! *starts opening a Werther’s Original*

Instagram also has been trying very hard to get me to buy soap for “MEN.” Frankly, I want new soap. I have been using the same soap my entire life and I don’t particularly care for it. But I am curious as to why soap targeted toward men all smell like alcohol or invoke the military? Are we ashamed of being clean if it doesn’t exude a sense of manliness? Am I a pussy for buying Dove? Doves are a symbol of peace, so I better take myself outside and kick the shit out of me.

It was bad enough that the stuff I put on my beard to make sure I don’t have white flakes on my black t-shirts all the time was discontinued because it didn’t have a scent. It was replaced by a few variations that either smell like sawdust or leather. I’m not a carpenter or a piece of furniture, so this feels odd to me.

Jesus. It was enough of a breakthrough for me to realize that I should buy grooming products so I don’t look like a goddamn mess all the time, do I really need to balance it all by making sure I smell like a drunken WWII vet? Put a fucking battleship on the label, but make sure you mention it’s made with shea butter on the back!

We really are insecure creatures aren’t we?

I don’t think when I walk out of my apartment and back into an office or a bar in the future, people will be like, “Wow…he’s a new man!” Outside of the extra weight I’ve put on and my now extremely fluffy hair, I will look pretty much the same. The biggest difference will be that I actually know how to make my own cocktails and have a recipe for candied bacon that I am working on.

What weird shit have you bought since this whole mess started? Let me know and we can discuss.

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