I Love Everything About Halloween Except Wearing a Costume

“I will eat all of the Almond Joys people don’t want.”

Happy Halloween, you fuckin’ nerds! What are you going to dress up as? Sexy shut-in?

Wanna know what I will be wearing? The same shit I wear every day.

I absolutely love Halloween. Every year, I go to the closest Spirit Halloween that used to be a vital local business that was destroyed by the economy and look around looking for YEAR ROUND home décor. But it never occurs to me until the day before Halloween that I should be thinking about wearing a costume.

From a logistical point of view, my brain just will not let me think about something that I am going to wear one time. I mean, I could potentially invest in a costume that I wear EVERY year, but I tend to spend my Halloween time with the same people and that just gets weird. (says the guy that has basically worn a black t-shirt and a pair of Dickies every day of his adult life) Also, FUCK THAT.

What ends up happening is that I really quick scour my apartment for some random elements that can be tacked together to create some variation of a theme, roll up to a party, announce it, get an eye roll, and then take it all off before hanging out at the snack table.

Here’s a picture of me absolutely phoning it in and posing with a vampire cupcake because I’m like 8 beers deep and wanted to compare hairlines:


And don’t think I didn’t already have a set of vampire fangs that fit specifically to my pre-existing dental work. Oh shit…I just looked at that picture and realized that I am wearing that same outfit as I type this. Better switch to my gray and BLUE flannel if I leave my place today.

Look…I just love the whole Halloween vibe. Spooky shit, colder weather, everyone letting themselves be weird. That is 100% my jam right there. But at the end of the day, it is exactly who I feel I already am. So I don’t feel the need to put something on that would actually take me out of the spirit of the thing.

I bet if I hung out with my nephews and took them trick/treating one year, I would probably embrace the costume element as much as they wanted me to. Same thing if my wife wanted me to go some place and the costume element was important. But maybe Halloween is the one time of year that I am actually comfortable enough to be me. Gross.

Me wearing a costume at Halloween is like people swearing they are Irish on St. Patrick’s Day. Amateur hour shit. I stay up late watching horror movies 12 months a year, not just in October. This is just who I am.

And it’s not like I am actually going anywhere this year. No actual parties or anything like that. There is the potential for a small group of people socially distant sitting around a firepit and having a drink. But I don’t think are any expectations about what to wear outside of a warm jacket.

Whatever happens, I am going to soak up the last few hours of the season I love the most before people can’t decide to decorate for Thanksgiving or Christmas two months early. I won’t sweat which spooky movies to watch in that time, because I will just keep watching them through November.

So do me a favor, if you decided to decorate your place for Halloween, leave the skeleton wearing sunglasses on your porch for an extra week. Let everyone think your college roommate got way too drunk and passed out and, you, as a responsible adult, just ignored his dumb ass until he fully decayed on your property.

If we could all agree to leave an inflatable Frankenstein’s Monster doing the mash up instead of dealing with the pain of not knowing what his actual fucking name is just that much longer, wouldn’t the world be a better place?

So turn up the new clipping. album, funnel a pumpkin beer, and eat a bunch of full sized candy bars until you puke. But don’t puke on me. These are the only clothes I own and I don’t want to buy more until I shed my quarantine weight.

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