Kev & A #6 – Ssssssizzlin’

Please. I beg of you…somebody stop me.

Welcome back to another edition of Kev & A. If you have a question or need some advice, reach out at ElectricDraculaInquiries@gmail.com

It’s been a while (Staind voice) since I’ve done one of these. A lot of things have been changing and new things happening and I’ve been busy, but this is going to be a much more regular thing from now on. With that being said, this edition’s question is one I was asked a few months ago, before or right as quarantine began and I was sitting on it because it is a subject near and dear to my heart…according to my cardiologist.

Ryan asks: Why does Wawa stop making Sizzlis at lunch? Has there ever been a more obvious 24 hour food item in history…?

First thing that needs to be addressed for anyone who doesn’t live in Wawa territory, the best way to describe it is the convenience store that became our overlord. When I was a kid, Wawa was basically the place you went to get coffee, cigarettes, chips, maybe a newspaper. That type of place. Then one day they started adding weird stuff, like straight up Pizza Hut personal pan pizzas just dying underneath a heat lamp for you to grab before you go to the register and ask for a singular Philly Blunt.

Next thing we knew, they expanded into hoagies. I refuse to call them subs or heroes or whatever else. I tried to shake my Philadelphia accent years ago and even started pronouncing “water” differently so that I could be taken seriously, but I won’t stop calling them hoagies. Especially since I am subjected to the times of year when Wawa is having Hoagiefest and finally making the goddamn sandwiches for a price that is even close to what they should actually cost.

No, the irony that the Hoagiefest ad campaign is clearly influenced by “Yellow Submarine” is not lost on me.

Soon, Wawa became a major gasoline chain, too, turning itself into more of a religion than a place to grab a soda. I will fully admit, for a while, I had different Wawas that I would go to for different things. I had one that I would get gas at, one I would get breakfast at, and one I would stop by on the way home from work to get dinner. Did I go to all three in one day? Yes. Frequently.

There is a lively and ridiculous argument about which gas station/made-to-order food/convenience store chain in Pennsylvania is superior: Wawa or Sheetz. For the sake of this post, I won’t weigh in. But that being said, Rozwell Kid has never written a song about Wawa. (Edit: I was reminded by a friend that Bloodhound Gang name drops Wawa in their song “Pennsylvania.” Take from that what you will.)

I absolutely own the lathe cut plastic picture disc they made as April Fools merch this song is on.

Now the newly initiated are asking: what is a Sizzli? Well, at Wawa, you can go to a dirty computer touchscreen and customize your own hoagies, “burritos”, breakfast sandwiches, etc. But what if you just want to run in and grab a breakfast sandwich that is ready for you to burn yourself on at the register? That’s a Sizzli.

I could own a home by now, but I bought all of these instead.

So why do they stop serving them at lunch? I wish I could start some Egg Sandwich Truther movement and blame the Meal Industrial Complex for brainwashing people into thinking that having a bacon, egg, and cheese on a bagel isn’t something you should have for dinner. I mean, in a way that is true though, right? Not the actual conspiracy, but people are only on board for breakfast for dinner occasionally or as a concept that is expressed on a quirky piece of embroidery on some asshole’s wall, like “In this house, we have breakfast for dinner!” and it’s like an egg going down in the west or some shit.

Diners, which are very popular in Wawa territory, embrace the 24/7 breakfast menu, so you would think other places would, too. McDonald’s FINALLY came around to the idea of leaving some breakfast items on the menu all day, but only a few. And actually, as I check Doordash to see what is available, nothing is coming up. I haven’t broken edge on eating at McDonald’s in almost two decades and now that I look at the prices, I’m really fucking glad.

In Wawa’s case, they probably bank on people who come in multiple times a day. So instead of having to throw out a bunch of sandwiches in the afternoon because the average customer is like, “I already ate that shit!” they stuff a bunch of pretzels with processed cheese and stack them up where I am standing with a rain cloud over my head because it’s 2pm and I just woke up, goddamnit.

I don’t blame them for not leaving them out all day, but I would really like some fucking respect from the place that gets so much of my money to allow me to order an egg sandwich on a hoagie roll whenever I wanted. But I guess they have to take out the mass produced scrambled egg bags and warm up a bunch of Italian Wedding soup that is neither Italian nor going to be served at a wedding.

Even if Sizzlis aren’t available all day, they should really start putting them out again around midnight. If you are open 24 hours a day, you understand who is coming to your place of business at 1:30 in the morning and why their eyes look that way. Make it easy on them and don’t make them have to navigate the touchscreen.

So the answer is money. Sadly, there aren’t enough true men of leisure like myself out there to necessitate this type of behavior. It’s also Wawa. So, if you have one you go to 3-12 times a week, the people who work there know you well enough to throw one on the burner for you, if you ask politely. Especially if it isn’t busy. And get creative. They don’t give a shit.

90% of the time I’m in one, the employees are pausing halfway through making a hoagie to discuss some disastrous date they went on the night before. Most people are standing there staring daggers at them, watching their food be one step away from being wrapped and handed over, but your sandwich tech is gesticulating emphatically with the knife that cuts the hoagie to indicate where they want to get their next tattoo. So, yeah, they will make it for you.

Do you think Sizzlis should be served all day? Do you have a convenience store of a similar nature that you want to rant about? Did you also recently get really drunk and try to watch The Mask, but realize it is unwatchable?

Let me know!

1 Comment

  1. Heh, the Bloodhound Gang? not sure THAT’S an endorsement… (goes back to listening to 45-minute guitar solo)

    But seriously, I wholeheartedly agree… having access to both in high school, I always gave the crown to Sheetz over Wawa simply because they had the full menu, including breakfast, avail 24/7. Wawa probably had better hoagies overall, but the breakfast menu (plus the sidezzzz) being always there are an absolute must when you come across Sheetz, which is usually after a long day on the PA turnpike, or perhaps 2am in a small Western/Central PA college town where nothing else is open. You want a shmuffin, godammit, and nothing else is gonna beat that.

    Like

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